Breakfast Cereals and the Evolutionary Imperative or How Sugary Cereal Marketing is putting our Civilization in Danger

For years humanity survived on instinctive fear of things that could kill them. This fear drove our primitive ancestors to create shelter and weapons. Over the last few years, however, man has tried his hand at mastering these things that used to threaten him. HE has tried to tame the elements and the beasts. Through various trainers we learned that even the wild beast can be brought into our homes without any danger. And what is worse, children are now being influenced to where they can think that dangerous animals are cute. This diversion from the evolutionary imperative can only be blamed on breakfast cereals.

            Tony the anthropomorphic tiger advertises his Frosted Flakes by growling the fact that “They’re Grrreat.” Proper grammar and opposable thumbs not withstanding, a tiger growling even a sales pitch should activate the fight or flight response and not hunger pangs for sugar frosted corn flakes. Children should be taught to flee the situation and not feel affection towards it. The tiger in nature thinks that the human is yummy and will not delay attack as one ponders the flavor of the contents of a box he may be situated near.

            Two other animals that should be warned against are Sonny the Cuckoo Bird and the Trix Rabbit. An animal that behaves irrationally, either in the presence of chocolaty cereals, fruity cereals, any other breakfast food, or in any other situation must be avoided.  A child should be taught to avoid such birds as they may carry disease. If any animal, especially rodentia, is behaving contrary to nature it may be carrying rabies, an infection that can be deadly in humans. These creatures as illustrated are dangerous and can be used by parents to teach their child what to avoid. “Yes,” a parent might say, ”Trix are for kids. And if a wild rabbit comes near you, call for an adult so that they might kill it in order to test for deadly diseases.” Or else, “Dear children, if you see a bird who does seem to ‘go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs’, run and tell a grown up right away. That psychotic bird could kill you with disease.”

            A fear that should be in the heart of every entomologist is the mascot of Honey Nut Cheerios, BuzzBee. With the increasing prevalence of Africanized honey bees, it is conceivable that a child would want to offer a bowl of honey sweetened  toasted whole grain oat cereal and consequently be swarmed by the dangerous bees.

            The animal mascots as presented by these manufacturers are clearly dangerous to the evolutionary imperative that is meant to protect us from the evolutionary imperatives of other wild animals.  Marketing teams for General Mills and others are psychologically depriving children from the safety that is granted by instinct. This paper is not meant to condemn all cereal mascots as Wendel the Baker of Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a good example of one we might trust in our quest for a delicious, nutritious, and safe part of this balanced breakfast.